I cannot believe how fast life goes by. I always start blogs with the best of intentions but then soon realize I probably dont have much of anything to share with anyone lol. Im not going to find fame and fortune because I write incredibly entertaining stories. But I guess I dont need to write for anyone else but me. Lately Ive been feeling like my memory is slowly getting worse. So if I write stuff down I can look back on it for my own benefit. Currently Adam is deployed in the persian gulf. And I am the most resentful navy wife in the navy. I cried everyday for a month before he left and mourned the loss of his presence for exactly 64 days before I actually got through a day with out crying.
Sometimes I am okay and sometimes I feel like this deployment is tearing us apart and by the time he gets home "home" wont be with me because we will have ended us. I am depressed every single day. At best Im a little sad, at worst I have self destructive thoughts...I dont feel like he misses me anywhere near as much as I miss him. I wish I wasnt so dependant on him for my happiness because I know my happiness is not on his list of priorities. The only good part about deployment is sending care packages. I love making themed boxes and filling them with treats and things he can only get from home. I wish he made the effort to send me things. Ive only received 2 letters in 160 days. Granted we do email but theres just something about having a letter from him with his hand writing on it that makes my heart happy. Ive tried telling him that but I guess he just doesnt understand.
We are closer to his home coming now then his going away so I have been getting excited about his welcome home party im planning and flying out to hawaii when the ship is there for tiger cruise. I am currently on a break from my job as an at home day care provider to get my anemia in check my iron is really low and the pills werent working. I was burnt out with that job anyway. I just couldnt be stuck in the house any more with 2 two year olds, 2 one year olds and my three old. I was pulling my hair out but never stopped providing care because I didnt want to feel like a failure so I just kept working until they all moved away. and once they were gone I went on leave.
I love having my days back! Alexis and my relationship has improved. Before she was acting out and I just wanted to give her away! I couldnt take her hitting me and yelling at me anymore. But I know now that she did it because I gave all my attention to the babies and not her and she missed me.
She is starting prek soon and I am so excited for her I look forward to all the ways she will learn and grow. Kaitlyn is my little beauty. We still go in every 3 months to check for tumor growth and it is a huge stress on our family still. We are so thankful that for now she isnt in need of treatment, but its torture living a couple months at a time, never knowing what the next MRI will show. She is so beautiful, smart and amazing. Jacob has been in braces since September and that was the best decision I have ever made. His confidence has greatly increased now that his overbite is no longer so pronounced. He smiles more! Of all the kids he has the hardest time with his daddy being deployed. Hes out numbered in a house full of girls and I often catch him crying. He wants to start base ball when Adam gets back and I am really excited about that.
Ive started going back to the gym. I had stopped for like 5 months. Just got lazy I guess. I didnt gain weight but everything is jiggly again so I need to work hard and be ready to sport my bikini in a few months. I feel like I really want to go back to college. Its been 11 years since I was there. I feel like it would help me feel like Im worth something. I loved learning and filling my head with knowledge. I got straight As pretty much my whole life. Its would be such a waste to not continue on an academic path. Adam is already a college grad. I have to be one too! Im just not sure where I want to go or what I will have the time and money for.
At least I still read. I just started the mortal instrument series and I love it. I know its a young adult book but all the thirty somethings ladies around me are reading shades of gray and no offence but I am not into that weird kinky stuff or guys treating my like a piece of meat. I hate with way men use women. We are objectified on so may levels. Its almost heart breaking and I fear the future that my daughters face, I hope they stay close to the gospel and keep the holy ghost close to them.
So....I need to go file my taxes now. My fingers are itching for some $$$.
